Post-op

I've been tending these words for weeks
Scripting them in living breath
Mercilessly trying to erase
The cold embrace of death
I can still feel it on my finger tips
Can I still beat this yet?
Fighting for all that I hang to
Scraping at the edge

Some days I walk on the ground
While others have me walk on glass
On days I stand strong
I remind myself not to tear stitches
Move slowly and resist the infection
Keep going this delicate balance
Which no one understands

Living more afraid
With much less confidence
Flinching to brace for the next hit
Beaten down
Eyes cast up to look for the sun
Anxious to see what I will find
Trying to take what's given
Bring it needed oxygen
Before a flat line

I cherish so this blessing
Take it deep
Here now and to all time
Taking only as needed
Resting up as best I can
Transplants take time to heal
Guess for this placement
First, none, or last
I don't regret

The Secret Is Out

I knew it was true
What you knew
Swore you'd never known
But you know now
You know too well

And the secret is out
And the secret is out

The sky is colder
You look up now
Swore it was down
To find what you found
Underground

It's raining now
It's raining now

Fingers on glass
You retained their shape
Swore they melted away
Feel then fade

I've lost the day
I've lost the day

Another Serenade

Fight or flight
Compared in the light
Mediocre compared to your way
Mine should never see day
In Sorrow I swallow
And blindly follow
Would for you everything fade
Or change to bring a smile to your face

If my personality found to be distilled
I'd take my life for your will
My reflection I would run
It brings agony to what I love
Take it through I'll shatter glass
Destroying what I cannot touch
Found something strong for you
If only there to get you through

Darkest night
In nothing right
Beauty fleeting away
You swore you saw today
While life no longer needs to be discussed
Time stood still just for us
And as long as you need this way
I wont fight my will to stay

Days Are Numbers

Had a dream
Seemed long as the night
Broken put together
I'd breathe had I the time
For tears that burn
One, two, for you
In time our moment
While endless rivers run through
Could a heart be given?
Kept secure and safe?
Please retain this for me
And I'll hold fast
Find strength to follow through
Unceasing like the river
Sifting down
They all meet at the ocean
Those oceans will greet the shore
When the wind heads me that way
I will be home
With a message in a bottle
Words wrote
You will keep
Held against that heart
I will be present, but free

My Escape

I could see it all around me
And there was no escape
Crowded
Surrounded
But the light
How bright it burns
Coursing through me
I watch and wait

From still darkness
My reason to live escapes
Guided
Blinded
The brightest one
Leads my life again
I know what it is
An angel given to me

Now it consumes my soul
I refuse to let it escape
Comforted
Exalted
It so burns
Made me new again
Forever it shall remain
Through all these days

Free Parking

It was then
When we could see it
Sitting hand in hand
An ocean of green before us
With a warm breeze caressing it into waves

And there were butterflies
With both angelic and metallic wings
Flitting across the cloud filled sky
Landing in wild flowers
Orange and grey before our eyes

All around us were gentle shadows
Spotting the earth which surrounds
Cast by a great and towering tree
Branching out before us

Underneath us was a blanket
Worn and newly warmed
As the sun wrapped around us
With it's delicate and beautiful arms

Everything then could last forever
As our soft voices mix in the wind
It was all eternally perfect
When we stared into the bricks

Not Ever Never Forever

Every moment we're together
Makes up for every moment we're apart
And every moment we're apart
Makes time drag on forever

So I do look forward to forever
And hope to never part
Still if our next meeting seems close to never
Just look into your heart

You'll be deep in mine forever
While there I'm deep in your arms
So dearest never say never
Since we are never really ever apart

Where The Sky Meets The Sea

Rivers back where the earth bends
Water rushes through time well spent
Wishing wherever it roams
Still barely contained
In oceanic homes

Wind finds it’s currents in the sky
Pulls clouds through and behind
With it’s path it shakes the trees
Causes a rain
Of autumn leaves

Still from afar I smell the water
Salt from the ocean waves
Wafts through with the breeze
Bringing this love
On wings to me

For both will conflict
But still so they remain
And let winds lap water unto the shore
Holding us with it each day
Still side by side
One and the same…

Melancholy Blue

Could I see it in your eyes?
Could no one else see it
Are they all blind?
Or is it all a reflection?
Of the light in a certain way
That makes them seem sadder in mine

But it could be nothing
Just you not smiling
Doesn't mean your depressed
Doesn't mean your not trying
To be happy with this
If it's what you really want
Or are there ghosts in your heart?
The kind that haunt

They do say it's all in them
A window for your soul's viewing
So unless I am mistaken
In your eyes your hearts breakin'
And nothing could matter more than this
So don't scream, I'll keep your from the abyss
I'll heal you if you'll let me

To think of how they capture me
Beautiful as they are with infinite sadness
Because I try to look past things
So when I see those eyes I tend to look away
Not out of shyness, but out of anguish
For in those eyes I see that you have died
And the sight simply destroys me

To Feel

With a sigh he returned to his room very late at night. He felt little to no remorse over what he had just done. He hadn’t hurt anyone, hadn’t hurt her. He didn’t regret it now, and not even the first time. It’s not like they had done anything bad. He had done way more before. And after all, she, or at least he hoped she had, enjoyed herself too. He could see she was slowly coming past her unusual shyness. He was helping her with that. For when she finally found someone to seriously love. There was nothing wrong with that. Nothing lost, but hopefully something gained. Maybe trust.

He couldn’t explain why he wanted to, why he needed the physical contact so badly. He wanted to blame hormones, but he new that wasn’t all of it. To just touch someone like that was so electric, made him feel insanely alive. It made him feel more than he ever felt, ever. Almost like a drug, almost like a curse, almost everything, to him anyway. Most days he wouldn’t even question it. But it made him feel real and alive. To him, that’s all that mattered.

He stripped off his shirt and threw it onto the floor as he climbed into bed. He easily slipped of his jeans, leaving him in only his sox and boxers. He knew he would be absolutely dead the next morning at work. But again, at the moment, it felt like it had been worth it. He tried to drift off to sleep, but he had far too much adrenaline flowing through his veins. He tossed and turned in his bed, trying unsuccessfully to get comfortable underneath his sheets. Because all he could think of was what it would be like, if she were with him in them. He wished he could have spent the whole night with her, just to keep the rush going. He stared at his hands, his arms, in the darkness and tried to picture her in them. He wanted so badly to still feel her bear skin against his chest. To feel her delicate body in his hands. So soft, so warm… a shiver ran up his spine. ‘No‘, he mentally scolded himself ’Your trying to get some sleep’.

However it continued to elude him. Of coarse she was special to him. Every girl he had ever been with was. It wasn’t as though he felt nothing, which is what people often thought. He wasn’t a heartless monster who cared for nothing more than sex. He was human, so he was made to feel. And yes he felt more for her than most of the others. Love? No. He had never loved anyone. He never actually looked for it. He never felt the need to. He thought that it was something that would come to him in time, so to look for what would only come at a certain right time would be pointless. To look for what he never understood was pointless. He knew someone things would be understood in time at the right time, and he never thought of it as anything more.

His mind finally began to drift off to sleep. His heart rate finally began to slow down and his body relaxed. His eye lids grew heavy as the sound of his overhead fan lulled him into unconsciousness. He wondered what she looked like when she slept. Images flashed behind his closed eye lids. Eyes, hair, skin, hands, breasts… images of her. They refused to part from his mind, so he let them become a slide show, a last glimpse of the night he had, before the darkness lend into a new day. Just before he fell asleep he felt it. A slight twinge in his chest. A faltering beat in his heart. It almost distracted him from the dream he was falling into… almost…


He stood in a hallway. It was very dimly lit. The walls were white, the carpet was grey. There were pictures, of at least two or three dozen people on the walls. He knew he knew who they were, he just couldn’t place names with faces at the moment. They all looked sad, like they had been taken during a funeral. He walked down the hallway, and entered the door at the end.

The next room was extremely small, and familiar. The interior was leather and a grayish color. It was his car. ‘Why is my car here?’ he wondered. But yes, it was his car. He would recognize it anywhere. Sitting in the backseat, was her. In her hands was a red, pulsating object, which was oozing a thick red liquid. She didn’t look nearly as shocked to see him as he was to see her. She gave him an inviting smile and said: “I knew you would come”. He tried to speak, be he couldn’t seem to find the strength to open his mouth, so she continued: “I know you weren’t really expecting me to be here… and I’m sorry if this is a bad time… but I really need to talk to you… about they way things are between us right now…”.

At that time he finally found his words:

“What do you mean… things are fine…” he found he couldn’t look her in the eyes.
“How are they fine? I can’t keep doing this… being this to you…”.
“Being what?”.
“Just some girl you can screw around with… just because you know you can… and then not talk to for months until you decide you need her again”.
“But… but I said we would talk more… I said it wasn’t like that…”
“Well it obviously seems to be going in that direction” the object in her hand flinched and oozed more liquid. “Do you really even care at all?”.
“Yes of coarse I do! I told you that…”.

She looked away from him. Her face was pale as a ghost, and she had dark circles under her eyes. They were red and puffy, like she had been crying for hours at a time. ‘She cried, over me?’, he wondered ‘Why? I’m not much to cry over…’. She shivered. She looked so cold to him. He was overcome with the sudden urge to make her warm. Not for his own personal gain, but just because she looked absolutely miserable, and he couldn’t take seeing her that way.

“I’m so sorry… I promise… I swear I’ll make it different this time.” he said.
“I don’t believe you. Because you tell that to everyone don’t you?” she paused for a moment “Listen I can’t do this. It emotionally drains me too much. I need a boyfriend not a guy to mess with”.
“I understand… I’ll date you if you want me to--”
“I thrive so much on emotions… I need to feel things… to feel affection and love…” she interrupted “That an only physical relationship can only hurt me…”. The object in her hand sputtered, and a small fountain of liquid flowed out of it.

He looked closer at the object, still not quite comprehending what it was. He felt his stomach roll. ‘Oh my god it’s her heart…’ he realized with horror. Mortified, he tried desperately to keep his balance. He leaned against the car door for stability. It looked as though it had been freshly cut from her, even though there was no hole in her chest. The beating organ oozed blood, despite the fact that it was not hooked to any veins or arteries. The blood ran down her hands and dripped onto her shirt and jeans. On the outside of it were names. Seemingly carved into it with a knife or some other type of sharp blade. They were boy’s names, thought most of them were just scars, or still healing. His name, was the only one that was still bleeding. He flinched inwardly at the physical depiction of her pain. He could feel it. Feel her pain. This was quite new to him. He had always been able to sympathize with people, but never had he been able to actually know the pain they were in. He understood now…
She said:

“It’s okay, your not the first to do this… and since this is me I know you wont be the last” she sighed and looked down at the throbbing heart in her hands.
“But… but…” still he couldn’t find the words for his horror and anguish.
“This is just a representation of my emotional wounds, for they are far worse than you could imagine. But it’s okay, really it is, I just wanted you to see what it was like… I’m so sorry… I just wanted you to understand… I thought if you did I would become more to you…” her voice barely above a whisper “Or even if you didn’t, just so someone can maybe… someone can be more to you… someday…”.

At last he couldn’t stand it anymore. Despite the blood that covered her clothes he tightly wrapped his arms around her. He felt tears running down his face for the first time in years. Her body felt so light and fragile in his arms, like she wasn’t there at all. For the first time, he realized as he took her hand in his, that her hands were colder than his. He was crying inconsolably, as though he had witnessed the most horrific thing in the world. But in fact he hadn’t really seen anything. He just felt. He felt the pain the she felt. It gripped his heart and held it tightly like a beloved child. This was a pain he that he thought no one should have to endure. But especially not her. No… not her… if anyone deserved to be happy it was her. But she showed him all of this, just so he could find love one day. From someone, anyone. ‘Why?’ he thought ‘I’m not worth this… I’m not worth anything…’.

He looked up, trying to see through his tears, when he realized she was gone. Horrified he screamed her name several times at the top of his lungs, only to find he was in his room, in his bed. Awake. Sweat coated his skin, and tears ran down his cheeks. His heart beat erratically in his chest. He took several deep breaths, in an attempt to regain composure of his body. It took over twenty minutes to do so. And when he did he came upon another horrible realization. He felt nothing.

Not like not being able to physically feel things, but emotionally. He had felt so much in that dream. He had felt fear, pain, sorrow… love. Now that he was no longer in the dream he realized that he had never felt any real emotions, ever. Of coarse he had felt mild joy and anger, but never anything like sadness or love. He felt empty now. And he hated it. It felt like he wasn’t even there. Like he was just living in an shell of himself. He wanted to feel, wanted it so badly. Repeatedly in his mind he thought ‘I want to feel, I want to feel! I want to feel something… anything… please…”. But nothing came. The worst part was he couldn’t even panic. He couldn’t do anything but lie there in bed and listen to the even beats of his heart and replay the dream emotionlessly in his mind. But nothing, in his heart, was there. Things were the way they always were, except now, he knew what he was missing.

He knew if he felt, he would more often than not, would feel pain. He knew there would be times when the sadness would feel like an ocean that threatened to down him. And he knew that he would feel hopelessness that would be like rocks tied to feet, which would drag him down to the bottom of this ocean. But he knew, that he would be willing to suffer all of that, for years even, if only, just for one more moment he could feel the love he felt for her in that dream, for just one second longer. So now he knew. Knew why some people he dated had a broken look in their eyes, as they saw through his lies and tried to understand why they simply weren’t good enough. Why the tears ran down their cheeks. Why they looked at him like he was a monster, and why they always came back.

It was all too real. Yet the clock beside his bed said he had only be asleep for a few minutes. He could see it in his head like a movie, in perfect clearness and color. Why would he even dream of such a thing? And why could he feel so much in a dream, and feel next to nothing in real life? It didn’t make any sense at all. His head was spinning and he felt slightly nauseated. Could it have been really her in his dream? Surely his mind could not come up with such a vibrant dream…



But then… a single tear ran down his cheek…



And if it can be said that hearts can physically break, if you could hear a sound as they broke, if it was a ripping cracking sound, then that’s what he would have said he heard. It was deafening in his ears… and the pain that followed… would be like nothing he had ever even dreamed of experiencing. It tore through his chest, forcing every molecule of oxygen out of his lungs. Instantly tears began running down his cheeks. He dug his fingers into his sheets and squeezed them so tightly that his knuckles turned white. He had to bit down onto his pillow to silence his screams. Never did he think, that when you truly feel, you could ever feel anything like this. He was frightened. Because he wasn’t even sure why this pain was overtaking him in the first place.

But no… wait.. The reason was vague but it was becoming clearer with every agonizing beat of his heart. He loved her. With everything thing he had he loved her. And he missed her. And he hated himself entirely for what he had done to her. He knew there was now way she would ever truly trust him, that he undoubtedly had lost her heart forever. That he had lost many hearts over the years, that he had in fact loved many over the years. But he never knew, because he never felt any of it. It was like he lived his entire life as a complete zombie and now he was awake, only it was too late. Because he had lost too much. And surely emotional pain like this must be able to kill, for who could survive something like this?

‘She did’ he thought ‘She loved people before and they made her feel just like this… I made her feel like this… and she has felt like this because of others for months, years at a time…’. He couldn’t even imagine what it must have been like. A wave of pain ripped through him, his heart beat at an unnaturally high and uneven rate. ‘But she endures it all’ he thought ‘Just so she can maybe hope to find real love one day.’. He knew real love must be something truly spectacular if it were worth all of this. Love must be the one thing truly worth fighting for. The one thing… that he had to fight for.

“It can’t be too late…” he whispered weakly. He quickly turned over and reached for his phone, which lie on the nightstand beside his bed. “If I can call her” he began to dial her number “I can talk to her… tell her I’m sorry… tell her I can feel now… I can feel… I can feel and I can feel for her… for everyone now and…” his voice was so broken by sobs that it was almost inaudible “ That I can love her… if she’ll only have me… and… we can… stop the pain… and feel love… together…”. His fingers clumsily punched in the last few digits of her number. It rang… once, twice, three times… ‘She has to answer… she has to…’ he thought frantically ’I can’t live without her… I can‘t live with this pain tonight…’.

He would listen to it ring for hours that night, but she would never pick up. He would cry and remain in agonizing pain throughout the night. She wasn’t there. No one was there. He was in pain, unloved and alone. He could feel now, but it was more feeling than he ever knew how to handle. And every time her phone rang without an answer, it sent awful ripping sensations through out his heart and chest. Had he the energy he would have ripped his own heart out with his bear hands, just to end it all. Any physical pain or death must be better than this.

To him, the phone seemed to ring endlessly that night. To him, the sorrow was endless as well.

When Night Time Evades

Months passed by. A few or too many, she couldn't tell. She remained in the same state, so it didn't really seem to matter. Well not really the same, nothing was the same anymore. She was haunted now. What could she do?

This falsified comfort
Like an inner self
Or soul
With you
Always with you
Haunting your waking moments
And stalking your dreams

That ghost, again, ever since the funeral. Every waking moment. It held her close, with arms that couldn't touch, so a touch she couldn't feel. It went through her. The ghost would sit with her, comfort her as she spent endless hours crying, telling her he still loved her and that everything would be okay.

"Well then why did you leave?"
"Don't you love me anymore?"
'Of coarse I do'
'I never left you'
"Of coarse you did! You killed yourself!"
"You went away..."
'No, he killed me...'

She knew it was true. That the ghost had done nothing wrong. He loved her, as he always had. So she couldn't be angry with him. After all, it was her husband who killed himself, and not the ghost. The ghost continued his sad attempts to comfort her. How close she was to him. She could almost feel the ghosts touch. It was all in her heart though.

And was almost like
He was still
There with
Her

She could still remember the feeling when it was like this. It filled the cavity that was her heart, made it ache less, as if filling it with life. It still hurt, because she saw through the ghosts comfort, and knew that it could never replace him actually being alive. The ghost was as sad and lonely as she was...

Drifting, it's not real
For he feels her ache
And forms complete sympathy
For he feels
What she feels
He too is
The lonely one

Will you cry for me?

He stared at her miserable as ever. They existed on two separate planes, and so they could never be together. All the while they watched his murderer, live and look like him, but be a complete stranger. They would both beg (even though he couldn't see or hear the ghost) him to make it right. To make it better. To let the ghost back in. But he would claim there was nothing he could do to change what had happened, and that he didn't even regret what he had done.

After awhile, she just couldn't take it. She told the ghost to leave. His presence did comfort her, but it also reminded her of everything she had lost. It was torture. He looked at her, a melancholy stare, and told her 'If you ever need me again, call my name'. Then he disappeared. She cried all night long, till pure exhaustion took her into sleep.

The days ahead were grey and empty. Sounds came to her vaguely and without meaning. After only a day she found herself weeping his name, and saw him appear beside her, his iridescent arms wrapped around her as best they could. "I can't love a ghost forever" she whispered "And I doubt he'll ever try to revive you...". The ghost sighed 'I know... I know... but I love you so much. I wish he could understand that. I don't even know why he did it in the first place...". She could see the pattern forming. This is how it would be, forever. Whispers of love, echos of comfort, and nights that drown with tears...

Will we let it go?
It's all we've got now
The feelings that used to be whole
Now are hollow in their presence
They cannot be let go
For the fear of losing what little survived
And all that we know
It will be gone
As ghosts are pale like old photos
And rot with time

Or will you cry with me?

Still In The Mourning

Stood still all the same
With tears that fall like rain
Undertaken in the arms of sorrow she looked toward the grave. It was a cool grey, nothing could rot it through for centuries, yet she was sure she could tear it open bear handed, to reach her love, at any given point, if needed.

Stop
Was all that time could do for her
She just wanted to stop it. Weeks ago, months ago. The further back the better. "You'll be fine", "Your so young"; not words of comfort but seemingly taunts, reminding her of how quickly she had come to her own ruin.

Stupid wretched thing
All the more despicable with every growing second
Love was the last thing she ever wanted to be destroyed by. But he was dead and so what can this emotion do but destroy her? It builds and then it tears, for even the closest lovers are eventually separated by time.

Now what could be done?


It seemed like it all happened so fast. Loneliness, love, laughter, murder, agony... in this order. She had no idea what to do or how to heal. She had never had to heal before, or at least, not like this. She could feel the ache of her
chest, the racing of her pulse, she just wanted to scream. For all the intimacy, for all the tragedy, for everything she felt, to scream and release the pain like the excorsisim of a demon, and be done with it.

"He
Was
Murdered
He
Is
Gone
Never
Coming
Home..."

She repeated this in her mind a thousand and one times. It bruised her every time, the truth made her physically flinch. Death's gift. It takes you to another world. Makes everything unreal. Makes time not stop, but simply run together and cease to mean anything at all.

'How can he be here?
Dose he really have the nerve
Wait... why wouldn't he be in jail?
He should be... he's a murderer...
He could kill others...'

Her loves murderer stood beside her, calmly as if he were at the funeral of his own friend. He had tears of his own in his eyes. He looked like he was sorry to see his victim go. She wanted to scream every obscenity she knew at him, beat him, taunt him, ridicule him, just so he could feel her pain for just one moment. But she didn't because he looked so familliar, and she really couldn't place from where or when.

She glanced toward the grave, to see her love's ghost floating next to it. Her jaw dropped and she began to feel faint. Tears flooded her eyes again. The murderer helped her keep her balance. "But...", was all she ever got to say. She glanced again at the murderer, then at her love's ghost. She understood everything completely now. They were the same person. Her love was her love's murderer. He had committed suicide. She whispered "Why?"... but the dead of coarse, cannot answer.

No longer alive
The memory haunts
Not really dead
Reality taunts
And love plays it's tricks
And leaves us only with what we remember
Or choose not to forget
In everything we are this
Alive
Remembering
Trying not to forget
That the stars were so much brighter
Yesterday...

The Despair Faction Pt. 1

Although it may seem weird to write a full blog about the Despair Faction, I felt I needed to.

Tonight I visited the Thirty Seconds To Mars (one of my all time favorite bands) forum for only the second time, and I was looking through posts and rules, but I wasn't able to stay for very long. The rules were amazingly strict sounding and unwelcoming. I was seriously repelled. Although the posters were nice enough, I felt like I was reading a book, starting with the last chapter when I read through some of the topics. I couldn't get into it at all. It just seemed like a group of online friends talking, it didn't really seem like anything more (although avid posters of this forum may tell me differently, and I respect that, this was just my first impression).

The Despair Faction boards are the complete opposite. I never felt our of place, or alone there (I love how people often greet new members with "Welcome to the family"). Most people on the boards are wonderfully patient and will gladly help you if you have any problems. They don't put up with crap of coarse, and will tell you when your wrong... but it feels like a family. Even though I'm still not super close to any of them, I feel very at home. I feel connected to them. They are all very intelligent people, but usually don't show off or try to act like they are better than they really are. I have gotten into a few arguments, but nothing major or unforgivable.

I've always felt closer to AFI as a band. They do so much for their fans, and it's extremely apparent that they want to be as close to their fans as possible. After all, we are a faction, a family, and we are in this together. They seem to very much realize this. The BEGINTRANSMISSION contest is just one more way of them showing they care and want to meet their fans. Plus, their lyrics are just so personal, there isn't a single AFI song that I can't relate to. Their music makes you feel like your not alone, that someone has been through exactly what you've been through, and that it is possible to come out of the other side.

I want to become a DF member very soon, and the next time I get my hands on thirty dollars it will be the first thing I do. Just so I become an official member of this family, for life. It's an exceptionally small price to pay really.

To The Despair Faction: I love you all and I will hopefully be joining officially very soon!
To AFI: You have no idea how much you mean to me, I'm looking forward to the new album!

(Part two of this blog coming soon. I will also do an in depth review of the new AFI album when it comes out, so look for it!)

Well, here it is...

My blog. Hopefully I'll be much better about keeping this one up, than my last one. Which I abandoned one month after I got it.

I can't take all of the credit for the title of this blog, it's based off a lyric from a Dredge song.

I'll have more to say next time, especially if I get some viewers!

~ Meghan